It is the third day in a row of feeling worse than the prior day, despite rest. I can’t do much except lay here and think. Even that can be challenging thanks to POTS depriving my brain of blood. I don’t usually gripe about being sick. However, I’m having a day where I just need to! I wasn’t going to post my thoughts. There are people out there dying that would happily trade places with me. What I need to remember, as does anyone else suffering from anything, is this… Just because someone else is worse off than you, doesn’t mean your suffering doesn’t matter, or that you should be grateful you only have – insert issue here. I chose to post because I want other people to know that it’s okay to have “why me” moments. Just don’t let them turn into days and weeks. That’s how people become bitter and stop appreciating what they still have left. ((Fun fact, pessimists die, on average, younger than optimists.)) So, I’m going to vent, but that doesn’t mean I have no hope or am walking around an angry girl… It means I’m human and am just having a rough time today.
The only activity where I am not acutely aware of my symptoms, is sleep. So, not counting sleep as an experience, I do not remember what it feels like to enjoy something without simultaneously being in pain and battling all of the “thinking issues” my brain not getting blood creates. I want to eat without having to consider the correct amount of food to eat so my blood doesn’t all go to my stomach to help digest, leaving my body even worse off with circulation problems. I want to go one week without feeling nauseous. I want to wear sundresses and show off my legs rather than having them covered by compression stockings. I want to tell Jake to go take a nap while I go to the park with Emma. I want to stand in a long line with passing out not even crossing my mind. I want to do things for my parents other than saying thank you. I want to be able to have a busy, exhausting day, and wake up the next morning refreshed. The idea people can do a lot, sleep, and wake up fine is astounding from where I’m sitting. I want planning my wedding to sound fun rather than exhausting.
It is terrible having my dreams kept at bay, not due to lack of ability or desire, but because I spend everyday sick. Since I was a teenager, I knew I wanted to go into a helping profession. I worked really hard throughout college to gain experiences and become better in my field, all while being sick. I see situations that I know I could help make better if only I wasn’t sick. I have so many ideas that I’d love to still have the ability to put into action.
All of what I’ve said explains why I have “why me” moments from time to time. However, none of this is the worst thing about having a chronic illness. The worst part of being sick is not feeling like my relationships are reciprocal. My friends and family give me so much, and I can’t offer much in return other than gratitude. I used to be the one running errands, helping clean, figuring out stuff, but now I am not. I used to be known for sending thank you cards for the littlest things. Often, I spend my last bit of energy trying to do something I know will make someone smile because I can’t stand not being able to give back. When I think of what I’ll do when I’m better, one of the first thoughts is always doing nice things for all these people. I also have a tough time with how sad my being sick makes everyone. I wish I could get better so all of you guys could be ecstatic at having some good news about me.
Maybe someday some good will come of my being sick. It will allow me to understand the people I help more. Maybe I’ll even end up with helping people with chronic illness as my purpose. I don’t believe everything happens for a reason. So in this “why me” moment, I come up with this answer… There is no reason as to why this disease chose me. It really could happen to anyone. So please don’t make my mistake. Appreciate your ability to go out into the world, enjoy your daily life, and chase after your dreams.
My “why me” moment is officially over. Time to push out the negative thoughts and focus on the positive. I’m going to be sick regardless of if I go through each day angry versus happy. Why not choose positive and happy?